Its Mother's Day weekend and while I did not intend to blog around the "big day", I find myself deep in thought about motherhood and being a mom. And before you sit up in your seat and get prepared for a lovely, sentimental piece on the joys of motherhood, I should insert a little disclaimer here - this blog may contain materials that are unsuitable for perfect moms, individuals who have perfect moms or those human beings who aspire to be the perfect mom.
All righty then - let's begin...
When I started the "mom" thing , I attacked it like I did every other role or job. I set out to be the best, most perfect mom ever. Our world was full of cloth diapers, organic baby soap, two of every piece of clothing - one for play, one for good, theme birthday parties with matching cakes, dance lessons, special sippy cups, lots of gadgets, video footage and the rest. Every so often, I would run down the perfection checklist in my head: adorable child...check, clothing from the Gap...check, educational toys...check, lots of children's books...check, Raffi music for the car...check, plenty of events to show off adorable child...check. Ahh- perfection.
After the birth of Max, Genevieve and Izzy, the list looked a bit different: cancel cloth diaper service, buy Kool Aid in bulk, accept Spaghetti O's as a vegetable substitute, give away the sandbox some night while the kids are sleeping, forgive myself for leaving Genevieve at the store during that one camping trip, remember to thank sister-in-law, Karen, for finding Genevieve and returning her.
From where I sit, the whole motherhood thing is an evolving process. I pretty much abandoned any and all ideas of being the ideal Mom somewhere between child 2 & 3. The sheer mathematics of having 4 children means someone, at sometime is going to be disappointed, short changed or in the case of Genevieve - left behind. Once you get your head around this, its not so bad. No more pressure to be Wonder woman. And the kids, well, you just set simpler, more attainable goals: You make certain they are potty trained, use their words and can dress themselves. Sure, there will be other graduating seniors who can recite the Gettysburg address or calculate the square root of Pie. But let's face it, the world would be a far better place if teenagers would just pull up their pants, say please & thank you and flush when they are done.
Okay, if you want to be an over achiever, you can add another goal or two to the list. You can try something crazy like responsibility and trust. Before you do, however, let me share what can happen...
Maybe it was Mother's Day or maybe it was the string of amazing report cards that came home this week. Somehow I got the feeling we were on track. I was empowered. The kids were really coming along and well, maybe I should expand my list a bit. How about that trust thing anyway?
And then I had my chance. I dropped Max and 4 great big football players off at the house. These were extremely large 16 & 17 year old football players. I told Max I had to return to the shop. Max turned and said, "Mom - they are not coming in the house. They are just going to wait outside for me. Then we are leaving." I could see my neighbors watching from their front lawns eyes glued to my next move. I felt strong and certain. I ran down my new mental checklist - He is my son. We trust. I trust him. They are outside. They will not be inside. They are outside. I trust.
I pulled away smiling and waving to the neighbors. A confident, princess style wave that said~ He has a 90 overall average, he dresses himself and is polite. We are working on the flushing thing but in the meantime, I trust him unconditionally and I am a great mom."
Hours later, I went to pick up Izzy from my mom's house. She greeted me with, "Do you allow Max and his friends at the house when you are not home?"
Ha - I felt all smart and prepared. Obviously she had not caught on to the fact that I am a wonderful Mom. "Yes. I am aware of it. I dropped them off and Max & I discussed it. "
Wow - that felt amazing. How cool is it to be able to trust your kids and give them room to grow. I was driving home thinking of what other things I could add to the list. Basking in the glow of my new level of proper parenting, I was suddenly overcome by a wave of reality~
"Hey, Izzy. How did Grandma know Max had friends over today?"
"Oh, Diane from across the street called her...".
"Called Grandma? Why?" And as Izzy was about to answer, I pulled into our driveway to find this:
In order to properly feel my pain, here is what this looked
like only hours earlier:
And from another angle, here again, is my pain...
This free form aluminum sculpture is what happens when you mix high speeds, gravity, a rope swing, size 10 dangling feet, and the latest in "go green" umbrella racks.
As Max was trying to calm me down explaining "that he already called Dad", I was busy spewing words like liability, lucky to be alive, and lawsuits. And as I walked around the whole twisted mess of nylon ropes and poor judgment, I knew what I was really mad about.
It wasn't the damage to the clothesline or the fact that in no time at all, Max had shown trust is a little more complicated than I wanted to believe. No. It wasn't any of that. It was that everyone knew. Everyone had watched me set this up, leave and arrive back home. Once again my world had become the " ~Watch me. I am probably going to do yet another dumb parenting thing. No perfection here folks. I will do something really dumb and it won't be behind closed doors. Nope. It will be right out there so you can all go to bed tonight shaking your heads and wondering what I was thinking show~."
Yes and while I was so caught up in how this affected me, I failed to recognize that Max had already called his father. He had explained what happened, offered to pay for the damage and then sent everyone home. There was good stuff here. There was some learning, some trust and even a dose of responsibility.
So, when you make your lists, you can add stuff if you like. Just remember it makes the Mom job a bit more complex. And you have to be prepared for those very public failures. But this weekend, I was reminded that We are Moms. We are used to standing up in the middle of Disney on Ice with a toddler in tow asking anyone in our way to stand back. "Out of the way! We are heading for the potty! " Yeah. We are already used to humiliating ourselves in public. Its part of the job.
So, I held my head up high the rest of the weekend. My confidence returned after a good night's sleep. I waved to the neighbors. I even yelled out to one ~ "Max made the Honor Roll at school. He is paying for the clothesline and this morning he flushed the toilet all on his own. Happy Mother's Day to you!"
